Some days I just want to cry and I guess yesterday was one of those days.  My mom can roll along having “good” days, meaning she seems happy, she looks around the room with interest, greets her friends, says “I love you,” hugs everyone and feeds herself.  Starting on about Thursday of last week, however, my mom seemed to be fading away – her eyes were distant and unfocused, she wasn’t talking very much and nothing could hold her attention.  This change in her continued into Saturday and my mom needed lots of encouragement to eat dinner.  She was so anxious, tightly gripping my hand and saying over and over again, “please, please.”  Please what?  Shemom did not/could not say…

I have not seen her like this since she was in the hospital or at the rehab facility.  I did learn that she had been up most of the previous two nights which I’m sure was a contributing factor to her “absence.”  Sunday morning was rough for me – and I imagine for her as well. My sweet mom was sitting quietly at the breakfast table with her hands clasped tightly in her lap – something she does when anxious and unsettled.  I believe she recognized me, but was unresponsive to my greeting and hug.

It was almost like my mom had forgotten how to drink out of a cup.  I put her hand around the cup of juice and encouraged her to take a drink. She acted sort of puzzled by what I was asking her to do, but finally held on to the cup, raised it to her lips and took a drink.  When her oatmeal arrived she looked at the bowl and didn’t move.  I put the spoon in her hand and she just sat there.  With her assistance, I guided several bites into her mouth and handed her the spoon.  No response.  Then she mechanically raised the spoon to her lips and lowered it several times, never adding any food to the spoon.  I took over and fed her the rest of her breakfast.

Who knows?  Maybe like other times, my mom will “come back” to me.  Come back to me in the way that I know her now – more aware of her immediate surroundings and the people around her.

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